Dr. Boyle: My 14-4ear-old son thinks he should be able to do everything his 17-year-old brother is allowed to do. He says his friends get to do more things and have more freedom than he has. Our older son has been responsible since he was young. The younger son on the other hand tends to test our limits and to be rebellious at times. So, my question is how much freedom can we give him at this age?
Dear reader,
Age does not matter when it comes to giving our children freedoms or privileges. The best rule to follow is to give the child as much freedom as he is able to manage. Young people often tell me they deserve certain freedoms because of their age. Unfortunately, most of these individuals manifest their inability to handle certain freedoms by the way they struggle with their daily behavior. Having freedom is a privilege and a responsibility. It is only given when the child demonstrates his willingness and ability to manage the freedoms he has at the time.
One young man bought a corvette with some of his inheritance money. He drove It recklessly. When told he would his license because of not managing his driving he said that no one would tell him how to drive. Within about two months he lost his license for one year. He was never taught by his parents to control his impulses so eventually someone else did, the California DMV. Another young man had almost unlimited freedom and when his parents were asked why he did they proudly stated they worked hard to teach him self-control from the time he was able to walk.
It is obvious that a parent must teach the Child to be responsible before he can have freedoms. This is done by first clearly explaining what is expected and then holding the child accountable for his resulting behavior. This continues until the child demonstrates he will be consistent with his behavior. One young girl liked to read, but it interfered with her helping with family chores and in general with interacting with others. Dad took the books away until she was willing to keep her reading within the guidelines he set. Initially the parents were fearful she would get mad or lose her interest in reading. Eventually they learned her reading was a way to phase out and avoid responsibility. They stayed with the limits dad set, and she eventually conformed. Her interest in reading did not diminish, and she admitted she felt better about doing her work and also interacting with the family. Her freedom to read was given back when she used it correctly.
If we give our children freedoms they are not ready, or able to handle we actually harm them. Those who are taught that freedom is a privilege will respect it and become contributing members of society.
Dr. Michael Boyle is a licensed, professional counselor practicing in Rockwall. Providing therapy for the past 42 years, Dr. Boyle specializes in helping children, teens and adults overcome the challenges of depression and anxiety, and in couples and family counseling. Send questions related to family dynamics, relationships or mental health tomichaelboyle212@gmail.com. Learn more online at MichaelBoylePhd.com.
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Dr. Michael Boyle is a licensed, professional counselor practicing in Rockwall. Providing therapy for the past 42 years, Dr. Boyle specializes in helping children, teens and adults overcome the challenges of depression and anxiety, and in couples and family counseling. Send questions related to family dynamics, relationships or mental health tomichaelboyle212@gmail.com. Learn more online at MichaelBoylePhd.com.
